Please re-write this sentence. Thank you.

Ahem.
I have privately received grief about the poor quality of a sentence I wrote yesterday while spouting off about my being quoted by ABC News on the first round of drugs reported used by the late Michael Jackson. (I suspect that the number of prepositions I just used here will elicit a response as well).
While I’m a half-decent pharmacologist, it seems an English major I am not.
Therefore, may I request that someone amongst this learned gathering kindly assist me in rewording the following statement:

I also enjoyed that fact, however, that my quote was missing from the responses of other experts to the reporters’ queries for impressions on the list of drugs found at the Jackson home as cited by The Sun:

For your efforts, the winning entry will receive a hat-tip on the post (and hyperlink of your choice) and the satisfaction of setting me straight.
Kindly leave your suggestions in the comments.

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21 thoughts on “Please re-write this sentence. Thank you.

  1. But your sentence was at least clear, if meandering. Worst Sentence of the Summer so far goes to Hilzoy at the Washington Monthly, for:
    “Surely Ed Morrissey isn’t faulting Obama for not proposing to forbid people from buying health care on his own — is he?”

  2. However I also enjoyed that The Sun did not list my quote with the responses of other experts giving their impressions on the list of drugs found at the Jackson home.
    So, what do I win again?

  3. I think it is a perfectly structured and worded sentence, indeed, however it rambles on as a good sentence should, and my legion of admirers, though Canadien, admire it, or at least don’t always throw up when I write something that they then read.
    Denyse O’Dreary – Noted ID apologist and Winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Lifetime Achievement Award for Bad, Terribly Bad Writing.

  4. However, I also enjoyed the fact that my quote was missing from among other experts’ responses to reporters’ queries on the list of drugs found at the Jackson home as cited by The Sun:
    A little simpler. Or maybe:
    However, my quote was missing from among the other experts’ responses to the list of drugs found in the Jackson home as cited by The Sun. I enjoyed this fact.
    Maybe break it up into two?
    I was thrilled to be so famous, w00t. But when reporters ask for experts’ responses on the drugs found in the Jackson home (as reported by the Sun), my quote was excluded. I found this amusing.

  5. Fortunately, I was spared the indignity of being quoted by The Sun.
    PS- The Sun *did* read your post. They stole my expression “milk of amnesia” from the comments.
    PPS- If you really want the best re-write, go to Language Log. Those folks enjoy an absolutely flawless command of the English language.

  6. However, I also enjoyed the fact that my quote was not included in the list (cited in The Sun) provided by other experts who had responded to the query of which impressions of drugs were found at the Jackson home.
    When in doubt, Abel, parenthesize!

  7. How’s this:
    However, I also enjoyed the fact that my quote was missing from among experts’ responses to reporters asking for impressions on The Sun’s list of drugs found at the Jackson home.

  8. I enjoyed the fact that my response to the impressive list of drugs found in the Jackson household (according to The Sun) was not included among the reactions of the other experts.
    Taken out of context, your sentence is ambiguous. Looking back, I don’t think you were talking about being quoted by the sun.

  9. I’ll take a swing at this…
    ABC noted that it had contacted some “medical experts” for their impressions of the list of drugs alleged to have been found (as cited by The Sun) at the Jackson home; I was happy to see my quote was not among the included responses.

  10. Oops, I’d like another crack. I thought the “impressions” were impressions of drugs (some CSI phrase meaning impressions left behind by the drugs) not the impressions of the others queried. That said…
    However, I also enjoyed the fact that my quote was not included in the list (cited in The Sun) provided by other experts who had responded to the query of which drugs were found in the Jackson Home.

  11. sorry Abel, having gone through another recent round of dissertation edits with my writing-master boss, that sentence would have been totally ripped apart.
    1. exclude unnecessaries:
    I also enjoyed that fact , however, that my quote was missing from the responses of other experts to the reporters’ queries for impressions on the list of drugs found at the Jackson home as cited by The Sun:
    gives you
    I enjoyed the fact that my quote was missing from the experts’ impressions on the list of drugs found at the Jackson home as cited by The Sun:
    2. a little massaging
    I enjoyed the fact that my quote was missing from the experts’ impressions on the list of drugs found at the Jackson home.
    ^that is your sentence. (the information that they called you for a quote as an expert has been conveyed already.)
    but i assume you still want to cite the source
    as cited by The Sun:
    so massage that a bit until it becomes:
    The list can be found here [hyperlink to Sun article].

  12. Here’s my effort (without any cheating by reading other comments first):
    Much to my enjoyment, I noticed that a compilation of expert opinions (as cited by The Sun) on the contents of the Jackson home’s pharmacopeia was devoid of my intellectually superior quote.

  13. Yup, I don’t even know where to begin – the sentence was so poorly worded that some folks here weren’t even sure what I was trying to say. I intended to say 1) ABCNews.com didn’t quote my “Holy shit!” and 2) the long list of drugs was reported by The Sun (click on that thar linkie to see).
    I feel as though I need a whole ‘nother post just to decide which of your suggestions is the best.
    @Denyse O’Dreary – how did you know that I love Canadians? do you read this blog regularly or something?? (Actually, you said “Canadiens” which I believe refers to Montreal’s NHL team. That’s another can of worms: the difference between “Canadians” and “Canadiens.” My head hurts.
    @Patrick – dude, haven’t you been correcting my English for something like 30 years?
    @scicurious – “I was thrilled to be so famous, w00t” – d00d, I’m 45; I don’t believe I am hip enough to use “w00t!” But I do like, “I found this amusing.”
    @Catharine – yes, I saw. Slime-sucking weasels they are.
    @leigh – thank god I don’t have your advisor. I’d be toast. I like #2 with the added sentence linking to the list at The Sun.
    @scribbler50 – wow, I warrant two separate entries from my favorite gent Behind the Stick? gracias!
    @InkRose – that one sounds best to me as a single sentence – comments folks?
    @C.E. – you should’ve looked upthread – I confused you too. But yes, my quote was intellectually superior. You get points for simply sucking up to me, especially after having my soul crushed by leigh.

  14. wow, that was soul crushing? sorry, dude! was srsly unintentional. i’m in editing/writing mode, top gear. and, what can i say, i am mos def my boss’s trainee. ha.
    so you want to include the word amused, eh? try:
    I was amused that my quote was missing from the experts’ impressions on the list of drugs found at the Jackson home. The list can be found here [hyperlink to Sun article].
    i actually like that a little better.

  15. Oops–sorry…. meant to change ‘that’ to ‘the’ also…
    I also enjoyed the fact, however, that my quote was missing from the list of experts’ responses to the reporters’ queries concerning the list of drugs found at the Jackson home as cited by The Sun.

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