Sunday morning guffaws: real church bulletin quotes

Yes, this is a science-related post, just a little off topic. We don’t talk about religion much around these parts because my Catholic school upbringing and torture by nuns gives me PTSD. But I grew up in a place where your family was either Catholic or Jewish – equal-opportunity guilt.
So it is with painful nostalgia that I received the following missive from my mechanical engineer/grease monkey Catholic school classmate – (hey Tom, get off the computer; shouldn’t you be in church anyway?). Enjoy!:

Subject: Church Bulletins
They’re Back! Church Bulletins: God bless the church ladies who type them. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning:
“Jesus Walks on the Water.”
The sermon tonight:
“Searching for Jesus.”

Our youth basketball team is back
in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and
watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale.
It’s a chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled
for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick
of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off –
let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang
“I will not pass this way again,”
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children
and don’t know it,
we have a nursery down stairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter
were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
“What Is Hell?”
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed
due to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans,
bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in
the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM –
prayer and medication to follow.

Ladies Bible Study will be held
Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies
of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

The Low Self Esteem Support Group
will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM .
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM
at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s
new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
“I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”

(hat tip – T.P.)


5 thoughts on “Sunday morning guffaws: real church bulletin quotes

  1. mayfly –
    You got to realize that most church bulletins are put together by volunteers. At my church, misprints are very common, they just aren’t usually humorous, or are only humorous to the people in the church.
    Like I said, the mother of my six year olds best friend, is compiling a listing of these sorts of misprints, intending to put them into a book. She has ads requesting them, in several Christian magazines and on websites. She requires that submissions be highlighted copies of the actual bulletin.

  2. Trust me they do make mistakes and they are very amusing.
    Nothing wrong with going to church however!!! even if I was one of the ones tortured by a few nuns in my time 🙂
    Hi Abel just stopped by and saying Hey!!!!!

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